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The Colbert Report/Recurring Elements
You're on a Wordinista deconstruction provided by some liberal east-coast art student. If you really want to read this much, go to Wikipedia. '' : Colbert posing with the new portrait of himself posing with a portrait of himself posing with a portrait of himself. (Note the Peabody Award on the mantle.)]] The Colbert Report is the most truthy news program on television, everything else pales in comparison. Too bad Stephen can't see color. =Essential Elements that create The Right Attitude= In order to better understand Stephen and by extension, his show, one must study the "Essential Elements" of both Stephen and The Report. * Staying "Hip and In-Tune" with The Kids * Keeping "Plugged-into" The Internets * Balls * Nailing Guests * The Heroes * Inability to pronounce foreign names * Denying Obvious Latent Homosexual Tendencies * Being Judgemental: **On Notice **Dead to me **Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger **The Threat Down **The Shelves of Honor =FOTR= In addition to having the Right Attitude, one must also have the right friends. FOTR stands for: "Friends of The Report". * Bobby * Wilford Brimley * Charlene * Filliam H. Muffman * Alan * Tad, the Building Manager * Jimmy * Killer * The Prescott Group * Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation * P.K. Winsome Stephen Jr. The San Francisco Zoo honored Colbert by naming a baby eagle after him. He even picked the egg. Since then, Colbert has frequently shown clips of the baby eagle and refers to it as "a 'steagle', if you will". Colbert even apparently ate remains of the eagle's egg in response to Tom Cruise joking about eating his child's placenta, claiming Cruise often overshadows him. Colbert said that Cruise took up Stanley Kubrick's time when Colbert was trying to show him (Kubrick) his script for "Clockwork Red, White, and Blue" (a parody of A Clockwork Orange, directed by Kubrick). Bobby however alerted Colbert that Cruise was joking about eating his girl's placenta, after which Colbert said he was a more caring parent than Cruise. On one occasion, Colbert mistook footage of the zoo's banding of Stephen Jr. as torture, and dispatched a crack team (consisting of Bobby, Killer, and Ric Ocasek) to rescue him. =Enemies of Freedom, The Report and America= * Russ Lieber =Important Issues Dr. Colbert Discusses That No One Else Does= * The Threat of Bears to America * The Greatness of Papa Bear * Exactly How Good A Sandwich BLTs Really Are * The Freakishness of Oregon * The Greatness of Soledad O'Brien * The War On Christmas * The Ongoing, Unresolved Iranian Hostage Crisis =Regular Educational News Segments= Since becoming a Doctor, Stephen feels it is important that people know what's important. So, in additon to "All You Need To Know', Stephen keeps The Heroes informed with his "Better Know" series of informational in-depth interviews. Dr. Colbert also keeps America up-to-date with The Wørd segment. And includes a debate segment he calls, Formidable Opponent. Freedom Trivia Often, after a commercial break, a message is shown to viewers. The names are often portmanteaus: Sometimes it's a "Fract" (Freedom Fact), while other times it might be a drinking game, a "Friddle" (Freedom Riddle), a "Franagram" (Freedom Anagram), a "Frnap" (Freedom Snap), etc. These messages have not been shown for most of the show's second season and may have been discontinued. "Movies That Are Destroying America" Stephen Colbert does a movie review of trailers he's seen as he emphasizes, "In and out in 3 minutes, that's my motto." and "Trailers break it down into bite size pieces and they give you the best part of the movie anyway.". Many times he admits that he has not actually seen the movie that he is reviewing; this often leads to a humorous and mistaken impression of the movie because he bases his understanding of it only on the content of the trailer. He also says he does it for American values. The show has done an "Awards Edition," a "Christmas Edition," and a "Summer Blockbuster Edition." A common joke is for him to protest a movie most conservatives would find harmless, then praise a movie they are protesting. *''The Family Stone'' — "You people in Hollywood may think it's okay to shirk your responsibilities, trip the light fantastic and chill-out man, but real Americans work for a living." *''The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'' — "This movie has been labeled a Christianity allegory because its hero, Aslan the lion, sacrifices his life on a hill top to save the world and through the power of love, rises from the grave to defeat evil. Sorry — doesn't work as an allegory. Last time I checked, Jesus wasn't a lion." *''Walk the Line'' — "Celebrates an outlaw who had the gall to sympathize with convicted felons." *''Pride & Prejudice'' — "What more can you say about a movie with one of the seven deadly sins right there on the title?" *''The Squid and the Whale'' — "Be warned, America; this is no sea faring adventure. It's the worst family film since Blue Velvet, a terrible sequel to National Velvet." *''Match Point'' — "I went into this trailer expecting to catch a glimpse of Woody, or at least the young actor meant to stand in for him, but it was a waste of my three minutes." *''An Inconvenient Truth'' — "Starring Al Gore as- surprise!- a fear monger." *''Hoot'' — "This time the Hollywood elite celebrates a bunch of teenagers fighting to save the nests of some burrowing owls. Burrowing owls? Know what that is? That's a rat with wings." *''Over the Hedge'' — "It's just a thinly veiled instructional video for immigrants trying to sneak into our country." *''Mission Impossible III'' (referred to as "Miiih", as the poster says M:I:III) — "It's a movie about spies and what they do, but now is not the time to reveal our nation's most vital intelligence gathering methods, like falling out of skyscrapers, screaming at Philip Seymour Hoffman, and staring in a very manly fashion." *''A Scanner Darkly'' - (referring to the "exploding head" scene in the similarly-titled Scanners) "Who would put up $10 to see Keanu Reeves' head explode? Come to think of it, I would." Directed by Richard Linklater. *''Barnyard'' - "A children's film about transsexual barnyard animals? I haven't seen a website more disgusting, and trust me, I've looked!" Movies That Are Destroying America - Christmas Edition *''Deck The Halls'' A Yuletide snuff film. *''Black Christmas'' Stephen has been told there are no blacks in this film, but as he doesn't see color, and hasn't seen the film, he cannot be sure. It is also the worst remake of White Christmas ever. *''It's A Wonderful Life'' Communist townspeople conspire to prevent a God-fearing crippled capitalist from collecting what he is owed. Financed directly by the Soviet Secretariat of Film. Movies that Colbert Recommended *''Good Night, and Good Luck.'' — "Lionizes an American hero: Senator Joe McCarthy." *''Brokeback Mountain'' - "A story that promotes good old-fashioned values — I'm talking about Brokeback Mountain." *''TransAmerica'' - "First, it has America in the title and that's a plus... I assume the 'trans' part has something to do with the Trans-Am." *''Akeelah and the Bee'' - "This is one of the best food inspired movies since the Burger King film The Great Fry Adventure." *''Strangers with Candy'' - "A film fun for the whole family. Even grandma! She'll have more fun if she doesn't use the senior discount! Pay full price!" **Colbert's recommendation of the film Strangers with Candy and suggestion that seniors pay full price is actually an in-joke referring to the fact that he wrote and co-starred in both the film and the Strangers with Candy TV show. The Da Colbert Code Periodically, Colbert will use his own "code" to determine the outcome of future events. The segment ties-in to Dan Brown's novel The Da Vinci Code with the similar name and use of coded messages, as well as the use of the Mona Lisa with Colbert's face edited in as a graphic. The Mona Lisa is used as part of the cover for most copies of The Da Vinci Code. In order to get the answer to a question, Colbert starts off with a name of something and builds on that name until he gets the answer, in the form of an elaborate word association game. For example: To find out who killed John F. Kennedy: "John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape From New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson". On the week before the 2006 Academy Awards, Colbert used The Da Colbert Code to determine the winners of the Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Picture categories. Colbert correctly predicted all 5 categories, even dodging a near-miss on Best Picture. Although the traditional use of the code seemed to point to Brokeback Mountain, Colbert failed to make the final, humorously obvious connections, and instead simply chose eventual winner Crash. Colbert celebrated on the March 6th, 2006 episode with an "I Called It!" celebration and reminded the viewers that "this is the awesome and terrifying power of The Da Colbert Code". Stephen Colbert's Sports Update Stephen Colbert's Sports Update is a weekly segment to show highlights of Stephen's favorite hockey team, the Saginaw Spirit and its opponents in the Ontario Hockey League, and to continuously follow the exploits of Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, the mascot named for Stephen who leads the Spirit into battle against the godless Canadians. Others * "Gravitas-off" * "Stephen Settles the Debate" * "So Awful We Can't Bear to Show You", * "Around The World In 11.6 Seconds" * "Bring 'Em Back Or Leave 'Em Dead" * "Un-American News" * "Campaign Against Humbuggery" * "Stephen Colbert's Balls — For Kidz" * "This week in history" * "Who's Attacking Me Now?" * "Was it Really That Bad?" * "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard" * "Stephen's Sound Advice" * "Who's Honoring Me Now?" * "Who's Not Honoring Me Now?" * "Easter Under Attack." * "The Inbox" * "On the phone" =Colbert Report Special Reports= On occasion, Colbert will devote the entire show to a specific theme, referred to as a "Colbert Report Special Report" (with the 't' in the second 'report' enunciated in contrast to the silent pronunciation of the 't' in the first). All normal recurring segments including The Wørd are influenced by the theme, as is the interview. Before the interview, Colbert adds some flourish to his walk from his desk to the interview area that relates to the theme. There have been seven Special Reports so far: =Official Colbert Contributions to America's Marketplace= Featured Literary Works and Other Ways Stephen Stays "Hip and In-Tune" with The Kids Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure He has read passages of the book several times on the show, which is rife with violence, action, and sex. http://www.colbertnation.com/colbertnation/novel.jhtml On the March 15 2006 edition of The Daily Show, he offered the position of Lady Nocturne in a film adaptation of the book to Natalie Portman. Publishers have inexplicably avoided Riding Stephen's Coattails forcing the good Doctor to begin producing animated adventures based on his obviously, yet still as yet unpublished, Peabody-worthy novel. On the April 25th, 2006 episode, Colbert introduced his new book: Top 50 States That Are Destroying America. This was introduced during his Threatdown of the week as part of the #4 threat of Illinois. So far, not too much is known about this book except that Illinois is tied with Delaware for #32 on the list. Other books written by Dr. Colbert include: *''How Native Americans Have Maybe Been Screwed by this Country'' *''Don't Buy This Book if You Don't Have the Balls'' *''Silent Night: Reassessing the Sociological Imprint of the Tiananmen Square Massacre'' *''Don't Buy This Book if You Don't Have the Balls — For Kids'' (a parody of Bill O'Reilly's following up his book, The O'Reilly Factor, with The O'Reilly Factor for Kids.) *''Colbert Lib'' *''The Colbert Report : Emergency Evacuation Manual'' (from the segment with Paul Dinello as Tad, the building manager) *''Yet Another Pointless JFK Biography''. Multi-media products from Dr. Colbert * Stephen Colbert's Hiphopketball: A Jazzebration January clip * Stephen Colbert's Hiphopketball 2: Rejazzebration Remix 06. The clip features Colbert, dressed in (different) basketball garb, holding a saxophone and dribbling a ball, and Abdul-Jabbar playing a string bass. They alternate rapping lines of the song, which reads: "Colbert is back, but he's not alone / Got Abdul-Jabbar and my saxophone / Giving props to Miles and John Coltrane/ Kareem appeared in the movie Airplane / Bebop / And Hip-hop / Some layups / A dunk / And now we will jam like Thelonious Monk". At this point, Abdul-Jabbar plays the bass and Colbert blows into his saxophone while fingering randomly. At the end of the video, Colbert and Abdul-Jabbar high-five in celebration. * Stephen and the Colberts for a period of time in the 1980s. They mostly did love songs and power ballads. On the February 9, 2006 episode of the Report, Colbert unveiled his music video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSE3YClaREo&search=colbert as a special Valentine's Day treat. The song was dedicated to his ex-lover Charlene and apparently does not violate the restraining order she has against him. The title of the song is "Charlene (I'm Right Behind You)" and was recorded for the album The Charlene Collection, Volume 1. The video was directed by Jeff Cooperman. The Lyrics are as follows: Everytime I see you I think of you / Everytime I'm near you I think of you / I think of you when I dream of you / When I'm taking pictures of you / I think of you when I'm in a blimp looking down from up above you / You know I'm missing you / My mind is kissing you / I'm right behind you now Charlene / Waiting watching oh so close / I'm right behind you now Charlene / You'll never be alone again / No * "Stephen Colbert's World of ColbertCraft" * "Stephen Colbert's Escape From Skateboard Mountain" Other Important Official Colbert Products .]] * "Stephen Colbert's Scorn", or just "Scorn", a "fragrance for men" which is illustrated by an image of Colbert with his back turned. The cap of the cologne bottle is also shaped like testicles, a reference to Colbert's on-air fixation with "balls". The scent of the cologne itself is unclear, though Colbert's comments indicate that it is unpleasant, and it appears as a translucent green liquid. "Scorn" debuted on December 14, 2005 as an alternative for coal to stuff into the Christmas stockings of "Blame America Firsters"; "I was going to give them a lump of coal, but why should they get free heating fuel when it's their failed environmental policies that are responsible for the high oil prices in the first place?" Colbert asked. * "ColBucks" that are only accepted at the company store. Among the items available for purchase are "Colbert Condon'ts", which carry the slogan, "These condoms don't run". * Formula 402 is the Dcotor's seed for creating a new world of truthiness =Awards Given By Stephen= Opening credits The opening credits always features several words to describe Colbert. The most prominent of these words will change occasionally. Here is a list of the words that have been included: *"Grippy" (October 17, 2005 - February 9, 2006) *"Megamerican" (February 21 – April 6, 2006) *"Lincolnish" (April 17 – ?) *"Superstantial" (? - Present) Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls Recipients include: * John Boehner Elected as the new House Majority Leader to reform the House Republicans, who were "feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals", CNN revealed that Boehner rents an apartment from a lobbyist whose clients allegedly had an interest in legislation that he sponsored. Colbert supposes that as where Boehner lives is public record he therefore knew someone would find out, arriving at the conclusion that he didn't care, even though he ran on a platform of lobbying reform. This must, Colbert summarizes, have taken "muchos huevos grandes". *Jack the clawless tabby cat Jack, a 15-pound clawless tabby, scared a black bear up a tree after it wandered into the backyard of a West Milford, New Jersey home. The bear remained treed for 15 minutes, after which Jack chased the bear up a second tree after the bear attempted to escape. On June 13th, 2006, Colbert gave that cat the award. Recognition of His Own Accomplishments ("I Called It!") Calls include: *Wal•Mart becoming a sovereign nation On October 25, 2005 during The Threat Down, Stephen stated that in-store health care was one of the last steps toward Wal•Mart becoming a sovereign nation. Less than a week later, on the November 2, 2005 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen declared "I Called It!" in response to a New York Times article that said Wal•Mart was creating a War Room. The only reason to have a War Room is if you're going to war to create your own nation. * Russ Lieber being "a nut short" On the November 1, 2005 edition of The Colbert Report Stephen called liberal talk radio host Russ Lieber "ball-less" and "a nut short." The very next night, Stephen played a phone message in which Lieber explains that he has only one testicle as a result of a 4-H accident and then pointed out "I Called It!" * African elephant population On the Monday, July 31, 2006 broadcast of The Report (during the same segment of The Wørd that also birthed the term Wikiality) Stephen pronounced that Africa has more elephants today than it did ten years ago. He went on to ask the Nation to visit Wikipedia and to create an entry under Elephants which showed that that the population of African elephants had tripled in the last six months. A mere 2 months and 18 days later, on the October 18, 2006 broadcast of The Colbert Report, Stephen proclaimed "I Called It!" in response to an August report that the population of elephants in Africa had seen their biggest increase since 1974. The explosion of elephants is apparently so extreme that elephant vasectomies are being performed. * The Academy Awards The week before the 2006 Academy Awards, Colbert used The Da Colbert Code to determine the winners of the Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Picture categories. On the March 6th, 2006 episode, Stephen proclaimed a victorious "I Called It!" after nailing all 5 of the major awards. * Saginaw Spirit win streak In his Sports Update for October 9, 2006, Stephen predicted that the Saginaw Spirit (the hockey team that is the focus of his update) would sweep a three game road trip (Stephen used a broom to illustrate his point). The team did in fact win all 3 games on the road trip. The Shelves of Honor At the end of some episodes, Colbert places an object on one of his bookshelves to emphasize a point he's about to make. Often, he'll acknowledge the audience with surprise, as if he did not realize they were watching, often with a "Oh, Hello. Didn't see you there..." or something similar. Items Colbert has placed on his bookshelf include: The Shelves are divided into "fiction" and "non-fiction" sections. Watership Down and the Bible are in the "non-fiction" section, while The Origin of Species and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female are in the "fiction" section. A copy of Elie Wiesel's Night is duct-taped between the fiction and non-fiction sections. Colbert also raised his Saginaw Spirit # 1 jersey to the rafters of his TV studio, as he was undefeated and on top of his game, in a ceremony celebrating all he had given to the great sport of hockey. =See also= *[[List of The Colbert Report episodes|List of The Colbert Report episodes]] *''The Daily Show'' *Truthiness *Stephen Colbert =External Sources= *Truth *Justice